Dear Friends, Family, Neighbors, and Those of You I Don’t Yet Know —
The topic of this week’s issue of “Odd Company” is how to have a conversation with someone who might seem very different from you and doesn’t necessarily share your opinions about things. The general starting point for such conversations is an open mind and heart, and genuine curiosity. In other words, begin by assuming you might learn something from the other person. In honor of that idea, here is Lyle Lovett, who carries this approach to an entertaining extreme by suggesting that each of us “meet a bear and take him on out to lunch with you, even though your friends may stop and stare.” Lyle’s message couldn’t ring any truer. Open your heart enough, and you just might see the bear in yourself!
Before we dive into conversations, I want to touch once more on the idea of extroverts and introverts, which I talked about a little last time. One of my readers pointed out that introversion-extroversion is a scale with a lot of points between the extremes. Most people are neither extreme introverts nor extreme extroverts. I’m sorry to have given some the impression that each of us is one thing or the other. Of course we aren’t. I would add that this is true in most cases where we’re asked to label someone as one thing or another. It’s good to keep in mind that quirk of human nature — the less we know about something, the simpler it seems. People are unique, always complex, and seldom fit neatly into any category. That’s one reason to beware of sizing someone up, deciding we know all about them, and (to use another metaphor from Nevada) taking the bit into our mouths and running off with it.
Which leads us in a pretty natural way to this week’s topic. We don’t really know who anybody is or what they’re thinking until we have a conversation with them. We might have them labeled as a bear, and we might think we know all about bears. But in fact, some bears will let you pet them, and others will chase you up a tree (if you’re lucky). Every bear is different. Just like every person. It’s a good idea to go into things recognizing how little we actually know. That’s H in the Alphabet of the Heart.1 Humility.
Some of you will already be thinking of the many ways all this applies to life in modern America. We are asked to see ourselves as (and others tend to see us as) either conservative or progressive. Democrat or Republican. White or not white. Rural or urban. Native born or immigrant. The list goes on and on. And each of those labels comes along with a set of expected behaviors and beliefs. Who’s doing the asking? Who’s making up the labels? In the end, we’ve all contributed, through Facebook and Twitter, through subscriptions to news outlets and cable TV networks. Conservatives supposedly support Donald Trump, lower taxes, fossil fuels, separating families at the border, freedom of speech, abortion bans, and guns. Progressives support antifa, unlimited immigration, fossil fuel bans, censorship, abortions on demand, and taking everyone’s guns away. When you look at those lists and then at yourself, you probably feel a little shocked. I certainly do. Those labels don’t describe me at all. I simply don’t fit. Very few people do, and frankly, I’m glad.
So we certainly can’t begin conversations by pigeon-holing someone. Instead, we have to begin conversations, oddly, with nothing much in mind. All we need is three guidelines. The first is to be compassionate. We can do that by listening with our full, open-hearted attention. The second is to be humble. Curiosity comes directly out of full attention and humility. When we understand how little we know, we naturally want to know more — in this case, about the person we’re conversing with and how they see things. The third guideline is to be genuine. None of this works very well if we’re just pretending to be caring, humble, and curious. The entire enterprise can fly off the rails fast if our conversational partner senses insincerity.
How can we make sure we’re being sincere? This is a little hard to put into words. It has to do with how thoroughly we have come to know and accept ourself. When I can see myself clearly and still find myself worthy of my own love, then and only then will I have the courage to risk being open and genuine with someone else. That’s why I’ve spent so much time here recounting my own travels from self-loathing to healthy self-regard. It’s really, really important to know and like your true self, especially when interacting with others.
This doesn’t mean I have to be naive or weak when interacting with others. On the contrary. If I’m paying complete attention and I’m asking questions out of curiosity, I’m unlikely to be taken advantage of. If I am open and sincere enough to reveal a vulnerability, my conversational partner may try to hurt me with it. Self-respect can make that hard to do. It reminds me a little of Tai Chi, which works best when we are confident and relaxed. LOL…Looking at that sentence, I guess I’d have to say that *many* things work best when we’re confident and relaxed.
So if we find ourself on the verge of a heated argument, we can turn away from the name-calling and rage that are so often the end point. We can do that just by stopping, and taking a breath or two to notice the feel of our feet on the ground or the heat of our flushed cheeks. Once we’ve done that, we’ve created a pause in which to imagine how the other person is feeling. Then, out of real curiosity and caring, we can begin to ask questions and truly listen to the responses.
What we usually find when we “take a bear to lunch” in this way, is that we both have reasons for the things we think; those reasons have a lot to do with our own experiences; and we have more in common than we think. Like, for example, maybe we both loved the club sandwich. :-)
If you would like to learn more about the fine art of difficult conversations, I highly recommend the work of Oren Jay Sofer. Sofer regularly conducts classes, several of which I’ve taken. I’ve found them invaluable. You can find them on the Oren Jay Sofer website. He’s also written an excellent book. Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication.
We are also learning about all this in the Applied Compassion Academy. So stay tuned for more! Thank you for passing along any issue of “Odd Company” you’ve enjoyed. As always, I like hearing from you. Click the “comment” icon above to post a comment on the website. Or simply hit your reply button to write me a letter directly. (Emailed replies are not posted on the site. They’re private; just you and me.) So long for now. Till next time, here’s a poem by yours truly about labels.
WISDOM
At the moment of dawn
the wind swirls, whirls
birds all over the sky.
The world lies in pieces,
and none know
where to land.
We must not judge until
we understand, but we
only understand
when we see ourselves
reflected in a pond
or in a glass and laugh,
dream the world as the lost
bird dreams it and admit
how little we know.
It appears that Dr. Doty has revamped his website and has taken down the Alphabet of the Heart. You can still find it in the pages of his book, “Into the Magic Shop.”
Just remember...