Dear Friends, Family, Neighbors, and Those of You I Don’t Yet Know —
Hola! (Says she who gave up on her DuoLingo Spanish lessons after a year of not much progress.) Welcome to the 2025 Cinco de Mayo edition of Odd Company, in which we mull over some thoughts about trust, which currently seems to be in short supply.
I was thinking about this three weeks ago as I started another small batch of seeds indoors. The news may be full of stories about how little we trust our institutions, our leaders, and each other. Yet we engage in acts of trust, large and small, many times each day. We actually can’t get along without it. We trust that other drivers will obey the traffic laws (more or less); we trust that drinkable water will come out of the tap; we trust that morning will come, that summer will come, that the moon and the tides will rise. We trust that the seeds we ordered will germinate at a decent rate. In my case, I trusted naively in the bag of seed-starting soil I picked up in a hurry at the hardware store. Hah. We live and learn. Of the six seeds I planted, only two sprouted, and they are so wan and fragile I’m not sure they’ll pull through. As opposed to the 95% germination rate I got with the previous batch, planted in expensive but trustworthy soil.
Simultaneously, I was reading Ezra Klein and Derek Thompson’s new book Abundance. Which regularly touches on the small matter of trust, and the ways in which trust has broken down in modern American society. I can’t say I recommend it highly. It’s a bit hurried, and would have benefited from more detail about how to actually achieve “abundance.” But as Klein says, our problems are so numerous and varied that they will mainly have to be addressed at the state and local levels. There are hundreds of paths to abundance. Still worth reading.
I’m pretty sure nobody gets through life without experiencing betrayals of various kinds. Betrayals and broken promises — if we experience them too often — can slowly erode our ability, and even our desire, to trust. I’m not a particularly trusting person myself. My default setting is skepticism. I’ve spent a lifetime learning how and when to trust, and I’m still not great at it. Why is it worth the effort? I suppose because the stakes are pretty high. Trust and love go hand-in-hand. You never find one without the other.
How can we make our relationships with others more trusting (and thus, more loving)? Over the years, I’ve stumbled across a lot of different ways. But here are a few of the ones I think are most important.
First and foremost, communicate. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned in at least one previous issue of Odd Company our human tendency to assume that other people are mind readers. Oh yeah, that sounds funny. But if you think for a moment, you can probably recall a time when you were frustrated by someone who just didn’t seem to understand your situation. Sitting around expecting someone else to spontaneously understand your situation — that’s Mind Reading 101. Some people are better at empathy than others. But even they can only make guesses. The only sure way to make our thoughts clear to others is by expressing them — through words and through actions. And then listening with equal intensity. Not just once; but always, again and again. It’s the same basic principle, whether we’re communicating with the IRS, a senator, or our spouse.
Be straightforward and honest. You’ve probably heard people say with admiration, “That guy is great. You always know where you stand with him.” It’s easy to convince yourself that others don’t want to know how you really feel. But nothing could be further from the truth. It’s helpful to others when they have an accurate sense of how we feel, even if they disagree with us.
Pay attention. When we are seriously paying attention, we are less likely to make unnecessary judgments. When someone feels they can talk to you without danger of being judged and found wanting, that’s the beginning of trust.
Admit your mistakes, and if necessary, apologize.
Keep your promises. This is a big one. Being able to count on a person is pretty much the definition of trustworthiness. We can’t always keep the promises we make. The world, and with it our own circumstances, are constantly changing. But we should always try hard to keep our promises. And if we can’t keep a promise, we should have good reasons and the courage to explain them. Another word for this is integrity.
Trust is a two-way street. Both parties have to earn each other’s trust by showing that they have integrity and respect for each other. Like communicating, this is not just a one-off. It’s a way of being with each other, over and over again.
Trusting always requires a leap of faith. It’s harder than doubting, which comes much more easily for most of us. But as mentioned, the rewards are great. Once we feel safe in each other’s hands, all kinds of wonders become possible.
Tonight’s music is all about trust. “Doubting Thomas” is by a favorite group of mine, the American bluegrass band Nickel Creek. The song was written by Nickel Creek member Chris Thile, probably around 2005. It appears on the album Why Should the Fire Die? One of the things I like most about them is the way they combine technical precision with sensitivity and openness. Note that the song refers to the New Testament story of the apostle Thomas, who couldn’t trust without evidence. Find the lyrics here. Hope you’ll enjoy the song as much as I do.
Till next time, keep on trustin’.